More recently the correlation between chronic illness and mental health has been a topic that is no longer taboo. Through my own experience, mental health is just as important to take care of as the chronic illness itself. Without having the capacity and insight to manage mental health, it becomes harder to deal with the constant burden of a chronic illness, like diabetes.
The Pressure to Function Normally is Overwhelming
This is true in so many ways to me, it’s almost overwhelming to try write about them all (insert laughing my ass off emoji here). But here I sit. Likely to miss a lot of points, but hitting the most important ones.
First of all, a lot of chronic illness is also invisible, or so common, that people don’t understand how it affects us. Recently, my blood sugar dropped low several nights in a row, cutting my sleep short, causing me to overeat just so I could try to go back to sleep, and then, giving me a lovely high blood sugar for at least half the day. And typically, this happens at a time where I don’t have the option to lay around all day while feeling shitty. I have to function. Like a perfectly healthy person.
Secondly, we are shamed on our management by both those around us that don’t get it, and even worse, others with the same exact illness. Every diabetic is tired of people saying “Can you eat that?” or “Wow, why is your blood sugar so high? Do you need to eat?” And so on and so forth.
I understand the ignorance. Some people are appalled by it, but I do not expect every person to know the difference between a high and a low. Or what I can or cannot eat. I take that as a teaching opportunity. Pretty much the only people that piss me off with ignorance are the ones trying to sell me something to cure my diabetes. Eye roll.
But the judgement betweens others in the same situation is unreal to me. And maybe this is due to the influx of groups on pages such as Facebook. In my mind, we are all in this together. To cheer each other on, and provide support when needed. Though educating each other can help immensely, it is important to never bash each other for differences in treatment or ideas. Peer support does amazing things for mental health. But negativity from that same group can be twice as painful.
We Compare Ourselves
I see diabetics all the time that amaze me. How are your blood sugars so good? A butterfly can sneeze in Kansas and something will happen to my blood sugar. Or, how can you be so functional ALL THE TIME? My mind and my body seem to be consumed by my diabetes at times. It exhausts me more than it used to.
But my diabetes is not your diabetes. My body is different from yours. And unless I live with you, I have no idea what you actually go through. Maybe your blood sugars are perfect, but you have anxiety if you do not check your Dexcom every 5 minutes.
My Own Battle with Mental Health
I started seeing a therapist Fall 2017 to work through my control issues with my diabetes. I was finding that I would either do the bare minimum, or be so full throttle I was giving myself anxiety over my blood sugars and food intake. Like, majorly obsessing.
And then October 1st arrived and my life was changed in a way I could not even imagine. I was at the Route 91 music festival in Las Vegas. My therapy changed drastically. My mindset changed. And my need for self care changed as well.
Though I immediately went home to stay with family, I kept my therapy appointments via Skype. Once I returned home, I resumed office visits and joined a support group for anyone that was at the concert. Both have helped me, but I still have my struggles.
In the first few months, I ignored my diabetes. I did the bare minimum. I felt numb to everything, tired, uninterested. I was exhausted all the time from nightmares. Nightmares = bad/little sleep = insulin resistance and high blood sugars. It was a never ending battle. The only thing that kept my blood sugars from being sky high was not having an interest in food, or being nauseous when I did eat. Though my doctors had prescribed a mild sedative/antidepressant to take at night, my sleep was still at a 4-6 hour max. I can’t tell you what I did most days besides lay around. Everything was a chore and exhausting. Even just changing my insulin pump. It was just so hard for me, could really care less about my diabetes. Which made me more tired, and less and less motivated. Gym? Ya right. I used to love working out, but could not get myself to participate in physical activity.
I finally decided to see a Psychiatrist because I was so absolutely over feeling that way. Not sleeping. The best advice I can give to anyone that is struggling and thinks they may need medication, is to make this appointment sooner than later. I could not get in to see any one for a month after calling. A month! I was beyond frustrated. But I waited.
When I was finally able to see the doctor, it did not come to much surprise when he diagnosed me with PTSD. But hearing the words was still hard. He actually gave me an antidepressant/anti-anxiety medication to take during the day to help my nightmares. The idea behind that is that the nightmares are caused by daily anxiety. And it actually worked. My nightmares slowly disappeared, and became less frequent. Now, when I have them, I recognize what out of the previous day may have caused anxiety, and I try to not let it carry into the next day.
I honestly feel that I have come out of this in a better mental place. Through therapy, and finding the right medication, I am learning more and more about taking care of myself. How important it is to check my mental health when other things seem to be getting hard to handle again. I can recognize the patterns, and break the cycle faster.
Chronic Illness and Mental Health
Though I come from a background of Type 1 diabetes, I know that other chronic illnesses can be just as, if not more, wearing on an individual. Though we tend to relate best to those that have the same conditions, we are all going through similar things, and can learn from each other.
One thing I have learned from group, and know we can all use to help ourselves, is “FUCK FEELINGS; if it is good for you, do it anyways.” When I don’t feel like replacing my pump, eating healthy food, socializing, working out, etc. It’s very likely you will feel better afterwards, than if you had avoided. It goes hand in hand with the saying “fake it ’til you make it.” Even though I don’t want to get dressed and leave my house, I usually feel better once I do.
But above all else, take care of you. Be kind to yourself. Don’t compare yourself to others. Just because you have the same diagnosis does not mean your illness is the same. And be kind to each other. Seek help from mental health professionals when you need it. It does not make you a failure, or less able to treat your disease. You are treating the silent symptom of chronic disease that is not always treated. In doing so, you are more equipped with the tools to handle all aspects of your illness.
